Thursday, September 19, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 1

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 1

By Gir Todafunk
Special to the Daily Magi
August 1, 2053


Yo, how's it going everyone? My name is Gir Todafunk. I'm a freshman cornerback for Tatsuya Kaname's Mitakihara Magi, the Best College Football Team in All of College Football. At least that's what I've been told, but you know what? It's true.

I want to open my series of weekly columns with a little bio about me. My real name is Gareth Richard Astley Hale. Yes, no Rickroll intended; my father Helmut gave me that name, I kid you not. I was born and raised in Victoria but I moved to Mitakihara with my parents when I was 8. That was when my father joined forces with the father of my good friend Hearst Helmsley, Sherman, to create MetroTech, along with several other partners.

The company is an awesome company because my dad invested a portion of my great-grandfather's fortune in the company, which specializes in intergrating telecommunications with nanotechnology. Their flagship product: the Aurora Phone, which allows you to make video calls and a whole lotta other stuff. It's a videophone, mobile, tablet, GPS, and other previous innovations all it one. And all you need to do is clip it to your ear, press a button, and make choices out of thin air. The company's slogan is one simple word: touch. MetroTech also specializes in computers and televisions.

By the way, my great-grandfather is Neil Young. Yes, THE Neil Young. The musican legend, Neil Young. But while I do listen to my father's work, I am called Gir Todafunk because my favorite TV show is Invader Zim and my favorite band is Gorillaz, and their song "19-2000."

Besides that, I've been called Gir since I was in primary school. My friends—especially Hearst, our fullback, and Nick Malceski, the grandson of the Sydney Swan of the same name who plays as a safety—have trouble pronouncing my real name, Gareth. So I decided, "Aw, fuck it. Just call me Gir, cause I like Gorillaz and Invader Zim."

When I was beginning to play football at the age of 13, the opponents were so impressed by my ability to pick off passes and make hits. One person, Frank Bananarama, who decided to follow his Fijian great-grandfather's military background and play for West Point, said that my play was wonderful. At that point, the Smile.dk song came about, and everybody at Mitakihara Middle School was calling me "Mr. Wonderful."

By the way, his last name is actually Bainarama, but he decided to pay homage to the 80's pop band and legally change it to "Bananarama" when he was 10. I call him "Cruel Summer" as a result, because his hits are cruel as the dog days of summer, which I'm going through with my team.

I really wished that Frank signed with us instead of West Point, but both of us were taking too much time to decide. He ended up with Army and I ended up with the Magi, the better of the two teams. As the old saying goes: you snooze, you lose.

I just had the Desiderium Week campus tour this Monday. That's what they officially call the week of welcome for incoming freshman: Desiderium Week, or D-Week. Desiderium means "Wish." We all have wishes and ambitions, but it needs a plan to set the wheels in motion. One of the stops of the D-Week tour was a visit to the Mitakihara Athletics Hall of Fame at Hakurei Centre.

Can you imagine this: the football program has 40 national championships. More than Princeton. Way more. There's, like, two lines of crystal football, one on each side as you go up and down. The football team, as part of the pregame buildup, walks through the Hall of Fame in their uniforms and pads as a reminder of who they are playing for. The football locker rooms and offices are an aisle away from the Hall of Fame. So the team passes by all those trophies and Heismans and all that stuff. I won't be doing that ritual until Homecoming, so I really can't wait to pass through all the hardware, all the bling-a-bling.

I already saw the Hall of Fame when I was doing my campus visit, but now that I'm on the team, I get to see it more often. Hopefully any trophies I win get added to those glass cases, too.

That's it for this entry, but on the next entry, I'm gonna talk about the other cornerbacks on my team. We're all freshman, so we're all gonna be in this thing for the next four years, unless someone decides to punk out, and with this multiple defense, that would be an Act of Madoka. Till next time, this is Gir, signing off. You are not alone.

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