Thursday, September 26, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 12

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 12

By Gir Todafunk
Special to The Daily Magi
October 17, 2053

Hello, readers of TDM and TDM's Magi Football Blog. I am Gir Todafunk, back at ya with another weekly column. So now we are at the meat and potatoes of the schedule. We got three home games and four road games, and a road trip in the middle of November. That's seven weeks of nonstop, in-your-face football. We get to check out places like Boise's blue turf, the kick-ass burritos in San Diego (yeah!), the sultry, orgasmic warmth of Hawai'i (double yeah!) and the chilly altitude of Wyoming (triple bleh!).

That is a hilarious switch in climates. One week, we are on the warm beaches of the islands, the next week, we're in the mountains of Wyoming in the snow, presumably. Oh my! That is the Mountain West scheduling in a nutshell. The best teams in the league are able to win regardless of the conditions. And there is only one team that is capable, according the Law of Gir, of fulfilling the aforementioned prerequisite.

Take a guess. Still confused? Come on, readers, you know it's us. After all, we do our best to be awesome. However, there are a few people who do news columns that NOT awesome, and those aforementioned people are the pollsters.

We're No. 3 in the AP and USA Today polls. What gives? Why are Miami and Texas ahead of us? We are capable of crushing them at their own houses. We just couldn't prove it because of the scheduling. This could all be fixed if we went independent, but we wouldn't be going to the Rose Bowl. And you know how much Gir loves roses. Mmmm.

I mean, I like to shower Nana in bed of rose petals, and watch her sleep, her shiny underwear glistening in the sunlight, and I lay next to her, and we both melt...innocently...

Well, that's just my virile imagination going viral for your readers on this weekly column, but the point is, I love Pasadena and if we don't make it to the BCS title game but we win the conference, I'm fine with going to the Rose Bowl. Vancouver is the Los Angeles of Canada just like Los Angeles is the Vancouver of the USA. Hollywood film sets, peoples.

Of course, I'm not even going to be thinking about that. We're only in Week 8 of the season, and Nevada up next. I wonder how many passing yards Haruyuki is going to throw in this one. I hope he just throws for maybe 400 and that's it. 

No recruits are coming to campus this week and we've nearly filled up our spots. The coaches just need to sign three more plebes, and they're done for recruiting for next season. I can't believe we signed so many people after Week 7. Seven recruits committed to Madoka after last week passed, so now we have 22 commits out of a maximum of 25. And we have all the players we need at a number of positions. I'm just worries that some of the other new players will be thinking about transferring after the season's over. Cross your fingers.

Next week, I get to investigate that blue turf at Bronco Stadium. That started the niche trend of colored turf in a number of places that play gridiron. Look forward to it on the next Weekly Column! I'm Gir, a.k.a. Mr. Wonderful, signing off. You are not alone. 

Did I say that right? Yes, yes I did.

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