Thursday, September 19, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 2

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 2

By Gir Todafunk
Special to the Daily Magi
August 8, 2053


What's going on, my Magi brothers and Puella Magi sisters? This is your buddy, Gir Todafunk, No. 48 on Tatsuya Kaname's world-famous Mitakihara Magi football team and hopefully No. 1 in your hearts, back with another weekly column for the Daily Magi and the Magi Football Blog. A slight disclaimer: even if MetroTech didn't ink the deal with Madoka to call the Shanarena the MetroTech Shanarena, I'd still do these columns anyway, because I heart you all. Not hate, heart. As in love. Love is a wonderful thing, and something that makes this place what it is.

Anybody can write for the Daily Magi, as long as you're part of the Mitakihara Family (students, alumni, faculty, staff, administration). That's all. 

Now, with that said, I want to introduce to you the other cornerbacks on my team. We're all freshmen, and we're known as the Cornerbacks Crew because we have a strong band with each other. We're that tight, aight?

Start out with Jason Kennedy. We call him "Argo" because of the reference to the Argonauts of Greek Mythology and the fact that he wants to play for Toronto, and those Argonauts. Argo's got some big, soft hands, and has a vertical leap of 50". But what makes Argo a tough mofo is that he can hit. Argo's this 5'11", 182-lb bowling ball that is capable of knocking your ass into next week. Dude's amazing. He's gonna be switching between cornerback and right outside linebacker, kind of like a hybrid between the two. Defensive utility back, I think that's what it's called, or DUB.

Ha. Argo playing DUB. As in dub music. Dubstep. You know something about Argo. That mofo plays dubstep all fucking week in his dorm room. He meditates to that shit. I don't like dubstep as much as he does. That's his meditation music right there. Lawd. Anyway, that's Argo.

Quinton Reese is the short guy among our crew. Quint, as the little midget likes to be called, is 5'9", 161 lbs, and would have been on the sprint football team if he didn't get a scholarship. Short guys tend to be the speedsters on the team. Haruyuki, who's the senior quarterback, is also short, but he's fast AND fat. Speaking of which, how is somebody that fat that fast. Is that accelerated science or something? Nanotechnology got nothin' on that dude.

Anyway, back to Quinton. He's amazing and is a practicing Buddhist. He often heads to the Madoka Garden's tea house to meditate. So I got two cornerbacks on the crew who meditate: one to dubstep, one to...nothing I guess. He's the even-keeled of the people.

Nathan Sims is most excitable of the people on our team. We call him Nyaruko because his personally matches that of Nyaruko Yasaka, who is the mother of a former player from this university, Makoto Yasaka. Ever since Nathan moved with his parents to Victoria, Mrs. Yasaka would often visit and chat with them. Somehow, Nathan's personality changed and once he exhibited all those bubbly, weeaboo-like tendencies, we just called him Nyaruko.

Bo Morrow is the tough guy on the crew, the Sergeant-of-Arms, because he's ripped to the core. He doesn't like formalities and he comes from a family of boxers. His grandfather Lou, when he was young, took down Floyd Mayweather Jr. in three rounds by TKO. He actually had two more rematches, and he won those. After the third match, "Money" retired from boxing. 

Now Bo could have been a boxer or an MMA specialist himself, but he chose football because he thinks fighting and grappling "is too damn easy." He's got the hit power to back up the arrogance. Plain and simple.

Finally, there is Bryan Malone, the trap of the crew. Guy is so androgynous, he can look like a girl and talk like a girl and you wouldn't have guessed that he was a guy. Because of this, he's the chick magnet of our Cornerbacks Crew. The women desire him so bad that just one look will send a woman into a nosebleed. The crazy thing about all this is that he's second on the depth chart, so you can expect the tissues to come out at every game when Bryan, or Brianna, as I sometimes call him, gets his ass out there.

And that's the Cornerbacks Crew in a nutshell. In the next piece, I will talk about training camp and all of that crazy stuff going on. We're being thrown into the fire! Save us! We're getting toasted. I'm just kidding; anyway, til next time, this is Gir, signing out. You are not alone.

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