Monday, September 23, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 6

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 6By Gir Todafunk
Special to The Daily Magi
September 5, 2053


Hey, what's going on, folks? It's Gir Todafunk, once again with another fresh! weekly column for TDM and the MFB. Man, last week was a rainstorm. They almost postponed or cancelled the game because of Hurricane Shoehorn down in New England. There was heavy rain and strong winds last Saturday. Props to the fans that showed up, they didn't care; they wanted to watch us.

I was kinda bummed out by their quarterback. He wasn't throwing it to me. I'm like, "Hey buddy, I'm here, throw it my way so I can pick it off and pad my stats." I only ended up with four tackles and an interceptions in three quarters of actions.

I mean, it was all pass rush, pass rush. Nothing but the quarterback, I think his name is Rust, getting sacked. I think we got him...18 times? Let me take a look at the stats here...um...okay, here it is. Tommy Rust, 18 sacks. No passing touchdowns. Zero.

Holy shit! We fucked him up all good and nasty, you could say we were a bunch of traps waiting to pounce. Well, with the pink we wear, we probably wear, I don't know. But the D-line just bossed that game. They got some good players on their team: they got LaRon Wright, Travis Clark, Ryan Hodge.

I'm kinda pissed at Nyaruko. That fucker got nine tackles and I only got four. And I'm like, "wat. I should be getting that, you, I am the leader of the Cornerbacks Crew! I'm supposed to be the man!" And I say it with my arms flailing. Then Coach Tsuruta reminds me that it's a team game, and I respond by turning to stone.

No, but Nyaruko was awesome last week. Guy knows how to lay hits and stop the runs. He was amazing. I expect him to come up big tomorrow against BYU, a school with a really strict honor code. I mean, you can't even drink coffee or energy drinks at that place. It's not a party school like Madoka. They should be more like us, with our more lenient, yet still firm Law of Madoka, which, I think cherry-picked the rules and regulations of Mitakihara Town and souped it up to cater to the University.

Anyway, we're staying at the Marriott, which is close to Lavell Edwards Stadium. Our runthroughs at the stadium are closed off to the public and the media because nothing needs to be leaked out. We have a policy: anyone infiltrating strategies or information about the game plan to opponents will face some administration action. That could be their credential taken away, or if it's a player or student, they could be facing expulsion from our humble home.

I learned during my short time here that the students here are not stupid and would dare jeopardize their standing in the Family. I'm rubbing shoulders with some of the most accountable, most professional peers I know. It's great.

So, with that said, that takes care of a shortened weekly column for the Daily Magi. Next week, I'll tell you a bit about how everything panned out for us against BYU. But you probably have an idea of what to expect, because we're cool like that, you know. Till next time, it's Mr. Wonderful, Gir, signing off. You are not alone.

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