Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 8

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 8

By Gir Todafunk
Special to the Daily Magi
September 19, 2053

Hey guys and gals, this is Gir Todafunk with another Weekly Column for the Daily Magi and the Magi Football Blog. At least last week, we didn't play in a rainstorm against Penn State. Wait, we was raining touchdowns. Haruyuki threw the lights out on Saturday. He racked up over 1,000 yards. Once Haru hit 1,000, I was done for the night.

And all I got was two fucking tackles. That's it. Nyaruko, who I pick on a lot, got a interception for a touchdown. Lucky bastard. I was hoping I would go house on a pick but I didn't pick off a pass so I couldn't even think about going house. I think when we kick off the conference schedule, my stats are going to inflate like a hot air balloon in Albuquerque. I'm so bummed out. Only two tackles.

But the important thing is that we kicked off our long road trip with a trio of big victories. So now we are in the first of three bye weeks this regular season and I'm like, just classes and practice to look forward to. We don't face Air Force until the 27th. so we have two weeks to get set for the Homecoming, my first university homecoming game. Good times.

And I'll spoil a little bit of what's going to happen next week. They're going to honor my great-grandfather Neil Young at the Postmeredie function and I'm going to be speaking on behalf of my extended family: the Hales, the Youngs, etc. I don't like speeches. I hate speeches. I'd rather speak honestly, from the heart. Naturally and all that, you know. It's just more fitting. I want a speech to be a conversation because I am talking with all these famous people about my great-grandfather and everything he did. So, look forward to that. If you want to come out this Tuesday to check it out, I will see you there.

Aside from that...I've had a propensity to have lewd thoughts about my wife and fellow freshman, Nana Hale. Yes, I do have a wife, believe it or not. Nana is a music major and wants to be a songwriter and author. She's a member of the glee club and left the idol business when she first met me in Canada. One time, she asked her managers if she could leave the business on honorable terms because she wanted to live a more normal life. They allowed her to do so, and she moved in with my parents and she finished school here.

One time, on the day that we were accepted to Mitakihara, I wanted to celebrate by treating her to dinner. Nana kinda thought about actually having a child and settling down with me because I was well off. I do come from a rich family, of course. So, while we were in bed, Nana was in her old sailor bikini and I wanted to consummate. She said, "Erm, I'm still 17, so maybe we shouldn't do this...?"

The funny thing about all this was that she was turning 18 the next day and she looked like she was capable of having children. I told her about the plans, the next steps, all the other details between the sheets, and she changed her mind and then I made love to her. It was amazing. It felt like I was floating in the middle of a vat of ice cream. Unreal.

Since then, she's dorming with me in a room for married couples. We married before the season started. Nana is starting to be more fluent in speaking English and knows some French. She will be expecting her first baby in February. She's excited about being a mother.

The news traveled quickly about how I've experienced this coming of age. One person that wanted to know about how I do things was Karen Kujou, the wife of Magi defensive captain Jeff Nakazawa. She wanted to ask me about how Jeff could love her better because Jeff was too shy to ask me straight up. Maybe because I'm gonna be a dad and he's not going to be one yet.

"How do you do it, Gir?" Karen said in her distinctively posh London accent. "You just find some way to be a man and treat your lady the way you should, don't you?"
"I got the traits from my father," I said over tea at my dorm. Nana was still sleeping in her sailor two-piece; she had a habit of wearing it when the air conditioning was not as strong as she wanted it to be. And she was snuggling me, too, so I had to simply ease her mind by caressing her nice, round ass. "My father always told me that if you're going to be a dad, you need to be well-off; you need to be wise with your finances; you need to have a strong educational background; and you need a partner that is confident and able to be a good, responsible, financially stable mother and wife."
"That's why I'm here. Aside from playing football. I'm a starting cornerback...and I got a wonderful wife that...I just love to consummate."
"I can see that. You're stroking Nana's arse really...lewdly. You don't happen to be much of playboy, are you?"
"Playboys make for poor husbands," I said, as Nana rubbed her big breasts on me, her arms and legs wrapped around me. "They never get anywhere, and they make for resentable womanizers. Nana is all I need. She wants to live here, she wants a life here, and she puts her trust in me." I ran my hands down Nana's back. "She's all I adore and more."
"What I have noticed about this university, Gir," Karen said as she pulled out some photos, "is that just about all the women at this university are hipsters while all the men are lechers."
"Do you have a verifiable source for this, or is this out of a blind survey you made out of the blue?"
"So...I have a couple of photos to verify if you are indeed a lecher or not. Here is photo number one. Tell me, what do you see?"
"Hmmm...I see the university chancellor, Dr. Madoka Kaname, consummating hesitantly with the university president, Ms. Homura Akemi."
"What impresses you about this picture?"
"Aside from Homura and Madoka being Coach's primary partners, they are each other's partner. Their bond is invincible and inseparable, their lustful and deep feeling and desires mutual and blooming. One is nothing without the other. In Homura's case, she would rather die than not savor Madoka's intimate divinity. It runs in her blood."
"Ooooh. All right, then. This is photo number two. Tell me what you see." Karen held it up.
"This is a photo of the university vice-chancellor, Sayaka Miki, presenting herself in front of Coach Kaname in 2017 before they had sex and ended up with their daughter Sayuri."
"How do you know this?"
"I saw it in the Saito Library Archives in the Blue Wing before."
"What strikes you about this photo?"
"Ms. Sayaka also likes to be in Coach Kaname's company. She is a woman and mother that brims with confidence and assertion. She knows her role, and she has the physical framework to be one of Coach's five lovers. There are five lovers in all: Madoka, Homura, Sayaka, Mami Tomoe, and Kyouko Sakura. All five have had children, with Coach Kaname being the father, and Madoka's son is the offensive coordinator of the team."
"Wow. You don't seem to be much of a lecher after all."
"No, I'm just Gir. I'm just Mr. Wonderful."
"Wonderful to me. Now, one more question before I leave you two to melt away. What advice can you give me to help make my relationship with Jeff much stronger?"
"I think you should talk it over, and ask him if he has a plan for a future with you. He knows he will be playing professional football and you will be traveling with her. Go over all the details, but ask him if he has a plan. As for your intimate wishes of him being a better lover," I said, leaning closer while still fondling Nana's chest, "take the initiative and be the woman on top. It will give him confidence to finally make love to you the way you want him to. He'll come around in more ways than one."
"I ask this because you and Nana are pretty much settled, even though you two are freshmen."
"I got the finances, that's why. Thing is, Karen Kujou, Jeff desires you with a passion so intense that only he can say it. You just have to make him open up. When he does, expect the love from both of you to flow freely."
"Awesome. Thank you kindly Gir, I hope to talk with you later. Good luck this season!" Karen said as she left the room.
"Any time, Karen," I sheepishly replied.
"Mmmmmm....aishiteru, Gir-kuuuuuuuun," Nana whispered, snuggling me like a dakimakura. I could only smile like a smug bastard. Oh, my woman.

So that's what happened this week. Actually, that convo happened yesterday. I wanted to share it with you because you may think that this was a fanfic. It's real life in this timeline at least. That's it for this Weekly Column. Next week is Homecoming, and I can't wait to tell you about what happened at Postmeridie as well as a few other things. Look forward to it, readers! I'm Gir, Mr. Wonderful, signing off until next week. You Are Not Alone.

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