Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 23

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 23

By Gir Todafunk
Special to the Daily Magi
January 12, 2054


Wooooohoooo, it feels so fucking good to be king of the world once again! So fantastic. How are you guys doing, readers of the Daily Magi and the Magi Football Blog. This is you championship winning cornerback Gir Todafunk, Mr. Wonderful, with the last weekly column for this year. Yes, I'm not leaving, I'll be back here for three more seasons, although I do want to weight my options after the third year.

But anyway, we're champs! National Champs! Well, BCS Champions, to be precise, since we are a Canadian school. But hey, only team in BCS from Canada, so I suppose we are national champions; we're the only team in the country! Yay! This is a wonderful feeling, absolutely wonderful, Gir-level even. I got to carry the crystal football, even did a Heisman pose with it, and now, after a ferry ride and some rallies and speeches later, I'm here in my dorm room preparing for conditioning and the next set of classes.

Yeah, you know we're not going to sit on our laurels now. We want to defend our Four Corners next season, and we can't do it if we're out of shape. So we're going to lift weights, run laps, do some swimming and VO2 testing...basically the type of stuff that professional athletes do on a consistent basis in the offseason. That's what makes Hakurei Centre so awesome: it's the type of training facility you see in the pros, customized with the student-athlete in mind.

And yes, the pink turf is being installed and should be finished installing by Miss Homura's birthday, Feb. 22. I will say that this decision by the staff to install pink turf officially legitimizes our standing as a school for hipsters, because green grass/turf is sooo mainstream.

Now I found out, as I was showering after the title game, that I had made my own history as well. I found out, according to a press person from AP, that I set a new NCAA record for most interceptions in a season. I was like, wow, are you serious? By making 28 interceptions, I had broken the old record of 25 interceptions set by James Reyes, the cornerback who came before me.

Jimmy Rey was on the phone as I was on the team bus heading to LAX. "Hey, is this Mr. Wonderful on the other line?" he said.
"Wassup Jimmy Rey! What's going on?"
"Wow, first time someone called me that, thanks. Anyway, congrats on not only winning the national title, but breaking my old record of 25 picks in the process. Have they been intentionally throwing to you?"
"Maybe, maybe not; I know the others in my crew have been picking off passes too, man."
"That's right. But I was watching the game from my hotel room, and the quarterback is always throwing down the right side. Either that receiver you're covering is making a big play, or you're leaping to make the catch Web Gem style. You got nine picks and only two tackles? You didn't have to do a lot of hits tonight."
"No, we haven't been really hitting a lot of people this season; we've only been forcing turnovers. At least our run defense is keepin' on, you know."
"Yeah. Well, anyway, congratulations once again on continuing this important tradition of winning for Madoka, and you should go get some sleep because remember, you're also a student. Don't forget, Gir."
"I won't, Jimmy Rey. Thanks a lot, and good luck with the people in Denver."
"I'll let them know. You are not alone. Bye." And Jimmy Rey hung up. I figured that on campus, the bells were ringing and my classmates were celebrating on campus. We didn't arrive in M-Town until three in the morning, and the professors excused us for that day. Then the day after that, we had a parade, a rally in downtown M-Town, and another rally on campus.

I've just been able to catch up on my sleep. I mean, if you were to be in my shoes, you'd realized that you would have to budget your time, prioritize, sacrifice a lot to be with your mates...being a Magi football player is suffering. It's tough. It's not easy. Only the most courageous and hardy of men can earn the right to go through the rigors and come out winners.

I know this, because I've gone through one year of it. I have my moniker and my reputation, and every time I am on the pitch, I put it all on the line, and I prevail. That is part of the mystique of yours truly.

So, to the seniors on the team, thank you for your commitment and dedication to this great university you call your alma mater, and best of luck to those who want to take a chance in the draft. I won't forget any of you. Especially you, Haruyuki "The Pig" Arita. As for me, I can't wait for summer, when I get to continue writing these weekly columns for all of you to check out. 

So until then, this is Gir Todafunk, the undisputed Mr. Wonderful, signing off. You Are Not Alone!

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