Friday, October 11, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 46

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 46

By Gir Todafunk
Special to The Daily Magi
December 4, 2054

Happy Friday and Season's Greetings, readers on the Daily Magi and the Magi Football Blog. I am Gir Todafunk, your ace cornerback for Coach Tatsuya Kaname's Magi football team, back with another funky fresh weekly column. I earned another National and Mountain West Player of the Week honors with three tackles and eight interceptions, two of which were returned for touchdowns.

As a matter of fact, I'm now at the top of the Heisman Trophy watch list. When I told Nana the news Monday, she was so excited she took off her clothes and allowed me to pleasure her once again. She's over the moon with the news that I am close to being the first cornerback since Charles Woodson in 1997 to win the Heisman Trophy. Wow. Can you believe that it's been nearly six decades since a cornerback has last won the Heisman Trophy?

Charles has been calling me from his home in Fremont, Ohio telling me about the possibility of making history. I told him, "No, I don't really pay much attention to that. I mean, I can get five picks against Colorado State next week, and DeMarcus Washington could potentially pass me and win the Heisman, Maxwell, Walter Camp and Walker in one fall swoop anyway. I can only do what I can do. After that, it's up to the voters."

Speaking of Colorado State, they should not be our opponent, and I'll tell you why. First off, they are 5-7. All of their wins came in conference play, they have a conference record of 5-4, their division record is 3-2, and Air Force's record is better. Air Force is 8-4, and they have a 4-1 division record. Here is the problem: Air Force lost to Colorado State earlier this year, and apparently, from what I have been told, the conference record holds precedence as well as the head-to-head, which Colorado State wins. But Colorado State also lost to New Mexico, whose division record is also 4-1.

To sum it all up, the Mountain Division of the Mountain West is piss-poor weak. Their division winner is 5-7, with all their wins in conference play. There is no way they will go bowling. It's Rose Bowl or bust for them. For us, this is massive mismatch, at least on paper. We're not going to take this team lightly, though. We're going to punch these Rams out of the Island faster than the B.C. Bullet Train flying at top speed.

Personally, I'd rather see DeMarcus win the Heisman. He's been a stud all year, and has delivered in the clutch. The thing is, we have a lot of depth, and other players have delivered, like Michael Wilkerson. Also making a presence felt have been receivers like Kevin Cronin and Matt Lewis. Jon James is in the background. I think Lewis is going to win the Biletnikoff, but it's a hunch, mind you.

So, we're going to get ready for Colorado State next week, and I can't wait to write about the build-up to this game. Stay tuned for the next column. In the meantime, I am Gir, Mr. Wonderful, signing off. You are not alone.

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