Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 53

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 53

By Gir Todafunk
Special to the Daily Magi
July 30, 2055

What's goin' on, guys? I'm Gir Todafunk, Mr. Wonderful, with another weekly column for the Daily Magi and the Magi Football Blog. We have a month to go before we get this show started with a three-game road trip on Aug. 28, in a rematch of last year's BCS title game against Notre Dame. 

I love new faces, and one of the new faces I have nothing but rave reviews for is fullback Mark Moore. He was recruited as a halfback before he ended up becoming a backup fullback to Hearst Helmsley and Stephen Atkins. Moore is 6'2", 210 lbs and hails from Spearfish, South Dakota, a small town of 10,000 strong in the western part of the state. Spearfish is a mining community and is the home of the fastest temperature change in history. In two minutes in 1043, the temperature changed from −20°C to 7°C. Wow. Oh yes, and it's the home of Black Hills State University. An NCAA Division II school, mind.

Freshman strong safety Mark Bates is a 6'2", 196-lb surfer/hipster from San Clemente, CA. Mark loves the waves here in M-Town during the summer because it reminds him of Trestles. When he was playing strong safety at San Clemente High, he would often catch these big-ass 10-footers in the offseason and ride them to shore. He'd do that for five hours before calling it an afternoon and retire to the cabana to snack on some Mexican food. Aside from surfing, Bates is a supporter of the hipster fashion movement and advocates its proliferation.

Tight end Will Mensah is another Ghanaian-American and hails from Sedona, Arizona. He's 6'5, 214 lbs and a sturdy understudy to Deon Tanner. He was born Willie Scott before he opted to pay homage to his late Ghanaian mother and change his last name to Mensah a few months ago. Will's got good hands, is a technical blockers, and has the type of vertical that will get him noticed by scouts.

Also looking to get some playing time is wide receiver Mike White, a 5'11", 191 lb speedster out of Brenham, Texas. His father, Percy, is the owner of Blue Bell Creamery and he often orders tubs upon tubs of Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla and combines it with whey protein powder, bananas, strawberries, vanilla extract, multivitamin powder, cinnamon and soy milk for a shake he likes to call "The Shake That Will Blow Your Mind." Goodness. He's gonna have to hook me up and get me some tubs too if he's gonna be rocking those things for too long.

August is coming up. Next week, I'll be wrapping up my previews of the next guys coming into town. I'm Gir, Mr. Wonderful, signing off. You are not alone.

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