Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 63

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 63

By Gir Todafunk
Special To The Daily Magi
October 7, 2055

Hello everyone, I am Gir Todafunk, back at it with another weekly column for the Daily Magi and Magi Football Blog. Gir is happy to announce that we have secured the rights to a trio of new players: defensive ends Jermaine Ball and Chris Harris, and Malaysian-Canadian halfback Tukul Abdul Rahman.

I want to talk about Tukul first. His full make is Tukul Abdul Rahman Putra Al-Haj ibni Almarhum Sultan Abdul Hamid Halim Shah, and he is the great-great-great grandson of the Father of Malaysia, Tunku Abdul Rahman. He is a practicing Sunni Muslim of the Shafi'i school of thought. Tukul is fluent in Arabic, Malay, English, French and Ebonics and is said to "tweet like a satirical terrorist nutter from Al-Shabab" on occassions.

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Tunku Abdul Rahman, the great-great-great grandfather of Mitakihara recruit Tukul Abdul Rahman.

The reason why Tukul elected to take up gridiron when he moved from Malaysia to Canada with his gorgeous, well-endowed, cosplay-crazy twin sister Hannah was because of one thing. "Football, or soccer as you call it, is too boring and predictable of a sport," Tukul said in my personal phone call with him over the weekend. "I want to play a sport that requires military-like strategy and precision to go with speed, strength and athleticism. I began playing American football when I was eight and I have loved it ever since."

Tukul plans to major in political science and follow the footsteps of his great-great-great-grandfather, the Tunku. Another player that will be joining us this year is a defensive end by the name of Jermaine "Bowling" Ball. A Toronto native, he elected to choose Mitakihara over Penn State, Minnesota, Michigan and the University of Toronto Varsity Blues because he liked the women here. Bowling is said to have an extensive dakimakura cover collection. Not like I would be interested, but I wanted to point that out.

Finally, another new face that will be coming to the team is defensive end Chris Harris of Mountain View, California. His father works for Google and he plans to be a computer science major. Chris loves the program here and the flexibility with the online learning classes. Harris is not as fast or as flashy as Jermaine, but he has the type of footballing IQ you love to see in a recruit. Just a few days ago, Chris was offered a scholarship by Coach Kaname and he ended up accepting it. Good decision.

Hopefully we will see a few more new faces come aboard. If they come, you'll see it in the next column. In the meantime, I am Gir, signing off. You are not alone.