Monday, October 28, 2013

Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 69

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Gir's Weekly Column: Volume 69
By Gir Todafunk
Special to The Daily Magi
November 19, 2055

Happy Friday, readers of the Daily Magi and Magi Football Blog, I am Gir Todafunk, back with another Weekly Column for you guys to peruse. Seven tackles and eight interceptions last week. Chalk up another big victory for the Magi and another impressive Player of the Week award nationally and conference-wise for me. Yes, I am that awesome. Deal with it.

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I found out that Dr. Kaname will be stepping down as Chancellor of the University and that Ms. Akemi will be taking over in the same position, with the role of University President being abolished. Everything else remains the same. I think Ms. Akemi has a lot of great ideas for the university, but since she's in a ceremonial position now, her workload is not as huge. I think that's a big plus for her.

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I learned another thing, upon talking with Ms. Akemi this week. She's also a Goddess, too. She's the Devil of the Morning Star, the mythical Black Magic Woman, the one celestial being that counters Dr. Kaname's purity. And to think that Coach Kaname is married to both of them! Ohhhhh my! I bet you that some of the most amazing nights of sleep come from Coach Kaname's house. His heaven is a hell, his hell is a heaven. It's perfectly normal. I bet you that whenever they pleasure each other, new galaxies are created. I wouldn't be surprised. This universe isn't big enough for all of us, it seems. Humanity, I meant. It hasn't declined, it's on the up.

I want to talk a little bit about all-purpose yards. All-purpose yards or All-purpose yardage is an American football and Canadian football statistical measure. It is virtually the same as the statistic that some football leagues refer to as combined net yards. In the game of football, progress is measured by advancing the football towards the opposing team's goal line. Progress can be made during play by the offensive team by advancing the ball from the its point of progress at the start of play known as the line of scrimmage or by the defensive team after taking possession of the football via a change of possession (such as punt, kickoff, interception, punt block, blocked kick or fumble). When the offensive team advances the ball by rushing the football, the player who carries the ball is given credit for the difference in progress measured in rushing yards. When the offensive team advances the ball by pass reception, the player who catches the reception is given credit for the difference in progress measured in reception yards. Although the ball may also be advanced by penalty these yards are not considered all-purpose yards. Progress lost via quarterback sacks are classified variously. Thus, all-purpose yards is a combined total of rushing yards, receiving yards, and all forms of return yards only. Some sources do not specify which types of return yards count toward this total because the most common forms of return yards are kick and punt return yards.

Football associations differ on their own specific definitions of the term. The National Collegiate Athletic Association, for example, defines the term as "the combined net yards gained by rushing, receiving, interception (and fumble) returns, punt returns, kickoff returns and runbacks of field goal attempts. All-purpose yardage does not include forward passing yardage" (at pg. 206). The National Football League (NFL), however, defines combined net yards as "Rushing, receiving, interception returns, punt returns, kickoff returns, and fumble returns". Neither of these totals makes clear how they record yards from onside kick recoveries, blocked punts recovered behind the line of scrimmage, and missed field goal returns.

Nate Kmic holds the NCAA all-division record for career all-purpose yards, while Barry Sanders holds the single-season record. Jerry Rice holds the NFL career combined net yards record with 23,540 yards, while Darren Sproles set a new single-season record in the 2011-12 season with 2,696 yards. Pinball Clemons holds the CFL record for career all-purpose yardage with 25,396 yards which also set a professional football record, while Chad Owens set a new single-season record during the 2012 season with 3,863 yards, which also set a new professional football record.

Stay tuned for my next weekly column, as we head home and prep for Magia Day 2055. I'm Gir, Mr. Wonderful, signing off. You are not alone.

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