Wednesday, March 12, 2014

EYEWITNESS ACCOUNT: September 22, 2065

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EYEWITNESS ACCOUNT: September 22, 2065

By Haruki Takayama
Special to the Daily Magi
September 22, 2065

My wife, Marie Ikeno, has elected to grow her hair real long these days. See, she has a drop of British blood in her. As a result, she can speak English like a Mancunian, Japanese like an Osaka citizen and French like a blue-collar ruffian from Montreal. She asked me at the end of last season, "I want to wear one of Chris Niskanen's cosplay outfits that he's making for the girls and his wife. Eila's dressed like Shimakaze. I want to be dressed like the battleship Kongou. Or the former helicopter destroyer of the same name. Something like that."

I bought the entire set from Chris for $200, which he kicked back to the university's endowment. The first day, she tried it on, and she said, "How do I look, Admiral?" I said, "You look like a wonderful wife to me." Actually, she looked like a more like a cross between a shrine maiden and a ship personification.

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We went to the beach yesterday to test out the outfit and see if it truly allowed her to stand on water without drowning. "Wow," she said. "I'm walking on water like Jesus." 
I said, "Can you carry me?"
"No way, I can't do that, you're too heavy."
"Just try." She did. "Whoa."
Marie was holding me with one hand. "You're not that heavy after all." I wrapped my arms and legs around her and she continued to walk, carrying me like backpack. "Too light! Is this real life, Admiral?"
"Yes, my dear, it just got real."
"Hmmm." She walked from the waters of Mitakihara Beach to the Harbour, and then walked back to Madoka Square. "Covered a lot of distance. Now I'm hungry."
"Well, you know where we are?"
"Where?"
I pointed to the sign. McGann's. "We're Gannside."
"I could eat some tempura torpedoes right now."
"You sure? Those are bombs, battered and deep-fried."
"But they taste like chicken, love!"
"Get out of character for a little bit. This is the real world."
"Okay."

A few seconds later, her stomach growled as we took a seat. "Be still, my hungry heart..."
"You could use something filling."
"Waiter, do you have black tea?" Marie asked.
"In character again..." I placed a palm to my forehead. "Good God..."
"We have iced tea," the waiter said.
"Add some cream and sugar to that. Is it refillable?" Marie asked him.
"Oh you!" I mewed.
"Refillable it is...Miss Kongou."
"Aaaaah! Oh waiter!"
"Did you want to order something, sir?"
"Fish and chips, and the new burger you have."
"The Bacon Deluxe, is that it?"
"Make it two!" Marie exclaimed. "Two!"
"Two Bacon Deluxe combos, a fish and chips, and two refillable iced teas with cream and sugar," the waiter said. "Okay. Thank you." He took our menus. The geezer!
"So I'm drinking tea as well, huh?" I said to Marie. She smiled. I had to. She looked so hot in that outfit, I wanted to ravage her willingly in the September sun. I wanted to...I wanted to...
I was interrupted. "Hey, hey, hey, is that you, Trick?" said a voice.
"Hi, who are you?"


He was a man with a bouffant, hipster glasses and an outfit dripping with hipster flavors all over. "I'm Danleigh Marin-Bessey, the Homecoming Chair for this year."
"Haruki Takayama, and this is my wife Marie Ikeno."
"Dressed like the Kongou, huh? It's way too early for the Kongou."
"So keep-a rockin' dat pi-a-no," we both sang, laughing. Marie had a flat gaze of suspicion. Impressed she wasn't.
"Anyway," I asked Danleigh, "why are you here?"
"I need to find a name for our Homecoming theme because the Committee is out of ideas."
"Out of ideas?" Seconds later, our orders came.
"I've been wondering what I should call this year's Homecoming. I have ideas like, 'Survival,' 'The Last Stand,' 'For Clara Dolls,' 'The Obscene Carnival' and 'Smutfest '65.' You know?"
"Dan."
"What?"
"Those are terrible ideas."

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He banged his head on the table. "Fuck! Shit! Ass! What am I gonna name this Homecoming? The deadline's tomorrow!"
I held up my burger as Marie gobbled on hers, humming in a singsong voice. "You can name it after a sandwich, Danleigh."
"Th...that's a Bacon Deluxe! Why the fucking hell would I name Homecoming that!?"
"Calm your tits, brother. Switch the sounding around...and you get..." I wrote the words. "...Back On The Rocks."
"Back On The Rocks..." He saw a flashback. "That is a famous song by my great-grandfather Tomas...but why?"
"Think about the words. This surrounding area is called the Rocks because we're by the mountains and a nature reserve."
"When you're back on the rocks...it means you've been to the top...be there...that's it! That's it! This is what the theme will be. Thank you, Trick! You saved my ass big-time. I owe you one."
"This cosplay outfit my wife purchased cost me $200."
"Here you go, paid in full," he said, handing me $200 CAN.
"All right." A handshake. "Have fun setting up the Homecoming."
"Are you on the road this week?"
"We are. We're gonna face Tennessee this weekend in front of all those fans at Neyland. I'm excited about that game."
"How many touchdowns you do think you'll score?"
"At least six."
"That will be too easy. You need to make at least 10."
"Settled. But if you're right, you're gonna have to fork over $100."
"Deal." Another handshake.
"Hey Marie."
"Yeah?"
"You got some honey mustard on your cheek." I licked it off.
"Mou..."
"A good ship is always spic and span. You should know this, my dear."
"Roger that, Admiral."
"Did you two...want more iced tea with cream and sugar?" The waiter asked.
"Please?" we all said.
He grumbled as he went to the back to get more tea with cream and sugar. "Kids..." I knew that Danleigh got his Homecoming these down pat. Hours later, the Homecoming Committee approved the theme name and got to preparing for the events. After that, I had plenty of fun with my ship-er, woman afterwards.

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I don't need a bigger boat. Marie is the right size for the job. Literally. 
After all, it's about damn time for the Kongou.
Great, now I have that Metallica song in my head.​


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