Sunday, March 9, 2014

"My wife? She walks on water. Literally." - Chris Niskanen


Anna Arendelle and Elsa Arendelle, two of Chris Niskanen's ancestors from a kingdom far away.

"My wife? She walks on water. Literally." - Chris Niskanen

By Kobeni Yonomori
The Daily Magi
September 1, 2065

Finnish-American Chris Niskanen is proud of his heritage. The strong safety from Fountain Hills, AZ traces his bloodlines beyond his grandfather Iivo and to royalty. He also has a wife, sophomore liberal arts major Eila Niskanen, who is a Finnish-Canadian from Kelowna and possesses a special ability thanks to a cosplay dress set that he created which is engineered with a unique technology being piloted at Mitakihara University.

"My great-great-great-great-great-great grandparents are Princess Elsa Arendelle and Princess Anna Arendelle of the Kingdom of Arendelle," said Niskanen after practice at Hakurei Centre. "Where they live, it's always winter and it's always cold. Similar to conditions here during the winter. Their children ended up getting transported to this worls centuries ago and they settled in the United States and Canada. Princess Else and Princess Anna are on my mother's side, for the record.

"I would imagine that if they were playing a modern day sport, it would be ice hockey. For me, I don't do things like controlling the weather and extending the winter. I'll leave that to the women. Me? I'm a player designed to focus on the man things in life, like lifting weights, eating right, working on my coverage schemes and forcing turnovers. Football is a man's sport played by real men in real man clothes. It's something we are proud of as men.

Eila Niskanen, Chris Niskanen's wife, dressed as a Japanese destroyer named Shimakaze.

"As for my wife? She walks on water. Literally. My wife, Eila, is a descendent of Eila Ilmatar Juutilainen on my father's side and Sanya V. Litvyak on my mother's side. She was named after Eila Juutilainen because she looks like her in terms of the hair and the demeanor. When I first met her at a resort in Las Vegas during spring break for high school students, she told me how much she loves to cosplay but she wanted to wear clothes that really make her act the part of the character or personification that she wanted to play as.

"As a Computer Engineering student, our university has been designing cosplay outfits and props that replicate the effects of the character portrayed through embedded computer chips in the fabric. It's a technology that I hope will allow cosplayers to become who they want to portray and should be a hit at conventions around the world. Eila was my guinea pig for this.

"Before my freshman year on the team, I asked Eila, 'what do you want to dress up as?' She said, 'Shimakaze.' 'The personification of the Japanese destroyer Shimakaze?' Her eyes lit up, and her pupils were hearts. She said, 'Yes. Do it.' One month into my adventure at Mitakihara, I completed the dress and props. As she put it on, we went to Mitakihara Beach so that she can test the outfit.

Eila at CFB Esquimalt.

"I said, while putting on my specially designed Cool Shades, 'Shimakaze is supposed to walk on water and even run on it. Try it. Go.' Eila was able to run on top of the waves, and she even surfed them without using a surfboard. She moved really quick, running from the beach to Mitakihara Harbour and back, not breaking a sweat, until she walked to shore, and fell on top of me.

"'Oy,' I said, not knowing I came until I saw that my shorts were saturated with our love, 'You ran from here to the harbor really quickly and now you're tired?' Good thing there was no one to see us. She said, 'Let's go home, Admiral, I need some TLC and a refuel.'"

"From that point on, she enjoyed running on water and being like a boat. Eila is a really strong woman for someone her age. I made her my personal powerboat for waterskiing. I actually did that one time during our last summer. I was like, "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH! WOOOOOOOO!" Like that, when I headed out into the beach to water ski.


"Fast forward to the end of my freshman season. I head back to my dorm room after we come back from punching UCLA and I see my wife and all these wonderful girls, dressed in elaborate cosplaying outfits. More personications of Japanese ships. I tell Eila, 'Hey, ne, Shima, who dey?' She said, 'These are my friends. They're moving in.' And they are all like, 'Hi, Admiral!' I look to an invisible camera at the door and say, 'Women...Tarkoitatko minun täytyy naida kaikki nämä tytöt? Voi haaremi, olet uupumus!' I ended up sleeping with all of them in my dorm room, all my love drained from my body. That night was so unreal; I filled them all up and by the time I did, I was empty and I had to sleep. The good thing was that I wouldn't have classes for the next few days but recovering from that unreal ordeal was going to take time.

"Eila and the other girls are still on my dorm floor. They've become my study buddies and my personal entourage. And my wife is still dressing like a ship. She rooms with me and is my partner ever since we got marries in January. Now that I am a starter on the team, I am dedicating my work to all of them, and I have the burden of having to make new clothes for them if they get torn apart.

"If only Elsa and Anna realized how far I've come. In their case, maybe I came too far."

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