Saturday, April 5, 2014

"We have not been getting respect from the media": Tatsuya Kaname

"We have not been getting respect from the media": Tatsuya Kaname

By Kate Hoshimiya

The Daily Magi
November 15, 2067

At a student rally at Hakurei Centre following an open-door practice session, Mitakihara Magi head football Coach Tatsuya Kaname addressed the students who packed the bleachers next to the Rose Turf surface. He was very disappointed, but at the same time composed and accepting of the situation he was about to talk about.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming out to our practice here at Hakurei," said Coach Kaname, scratching the back of his head a little. "It's an honor for us to show you how excited we are at the possibility of defending our Pentagram of trophies for another year. Now, I want to address you folks because there is something you need to know.

"We haven't been getting a decent amount of respect from a certain group of people who do these things called rankings. That group of people I'm calling out: the media. Those underpaid sportwriting hacks all across America who publish this Associated Press poll have been ranking a specific team above us for the past few weeks. That team: Nebraska.

"Now, I don't have anything against Nebraska; in fact, their beef can hold up to any discerning palate around the world. But I do have something against Nebraska, and it's that they are favored by the press as their team and they have consigned us to being No. 2. This is extremely laughable and downright appalling when you compare the scorelines. It's as if we're being punished by these hacks for giving America the bad beatings they deserve.

"In a perfect world, the Golden Gophers are doing us a huge favor this week—huge, I say—in making these rubes from Lincoln know their place in the pecking order. But if that doesn't work this weekend, I have a better idea. Students of the Mitakihara Family, I implore on you all to tweet this hashtag: #beatnebraska.

"We fear no one at this university. No opponent is too tough for us. We know the game of football better than anybody out there and we've had a reputation in dishing it out. America's enmity for Canada's Team fuels us to keep delivering it to them. I want you to tell all the students and alumni who bleed Nebraska red this: We're coming after you if you win your conference and go unbeaten, and we will made an easy kill of you in the Big Easy, whether you Bible Belt fuckers like it or not. No one will stop the Magi of Mitakihara. We are college football!"

The speech was met with rave reviews, and the crowd loved every minute of it, which also included a controlled burning of a plush version of Herbie Husker hanging from a noose. Immediately, #beatnebraka trended on twitter within minutes.

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