Friday, May 9, 2014

Madoka players run 52 laps after giving up two to Mizzou...again

Madoka players run 52 laps after giving up two to Mizzou...again

By Chino Kafuu
The Daily Magi
October 8, 2069

Forget the fact that Tatsuya Kaname's No. 3-ranked Mitakihara Magi upset the No. 1-ranked Missouri Tigers, 64-26, at the Sakura Bowl in Mitakihara Town, B.C. Forget the fact that a number of recruits were visiting the Magi over the week to sample a little bit of that magic in best city in the entire province. The Magi's spirited effort was tainted by a safety given up with 7:25 remaining in the third quarter.

To add insult to injury, it was scored by the same player who scored a safety last year against Mitakihara: Reggie Hollis, a 6'4", 252-pound right end who had nine tackles in the game. The safety forced Coach Kaname to call a full media timeout, gather the entire team on on the sideline and rip them for failing to get out of the end zone.

After the game concluded, the handshakes were omitted. The entire team quickly went into the locker room, changed into their track suits and boarded the team bus, which went straight to campus and Tatsuya Kaname Field at Mitakihara Stadium. There, the players got off, and began running the 52 laps on the track. While the players ran their laps, Coach Kaname addressed the press at Hakurei Centre, and needless to say, he...was not happy with the result.

"Guys, in these sort of circumstance, I offer nothing but real talk," Coach Kaname said while addressing the media. "I must be working with a bunch of neanderthals. A bunch of shit-faced autistically retarded neanderthals, the likes of which have never been seen on the face of this fucking earth. How the hell do we give up three straight safeties to Mizzou!? What is this faggotry!? What the fuck is this? Huh!? Can somebody explain to me here!?

"Damnit, how many times have I told my offense to stay out of the fucking end zone when you go on a drive? Numerous! Countless! Way too many! Shit, I've lost count, god damnit! Joe Sato's gonna be my fucking tailback next year and this dumbass isn't giving me the impression that he wants the job next year! Come on! My left tackle, Mario [Washington], he's supposed to guard that son of a bitch [Reggie] Hollis. He's not doing his job! What a clusterfuck this whole thing is! Absolute clusterfuck.

"Every meeting with Mizzou, we always give up a safety to them. It just doesn't seem to end. Tell you what: next year, if the Tigers are nationally ranked, we're getting after their asses on the road and we will score AT LEAST six safeties on them. That's right, SIX. If I'm not the one that sees this shit happen, my successor will make sure that shit gets done. D-O-N-E. If not, some other pleb school is going to lay their filthy hands on our Pentagram, and so long as I am the head coach of the Best College Football Team in All of College Football, that shit's not gonna happen. You hear me? We need to do a better job of getting out of the endzone and running the Puella Magi Option-MY OFFENSE-the way it's supposed to be run. This faggotry's gotta stop. This faggotry's gotta stop now. I'm done fielding questions, thank you. Fuck everything, fuck us, fuck us to kingdom come..."

Mitakihara improve to 8-0 and return to action next week against the Michigan Wolverines.

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