Wednesday, June 4, 2014

2071 Set To Become A Strange Season In Mitakihara Magi Football

2071 Set To Become A Strange Season In Mitakihara Magi Football

By Enju Aihara
The Daily Magi
July 1, 2071

He looks at his timepiece, blows a whistle, and watches waves of young men go through stretching exercises, pacing like a panther on a Sunday morning on the island of Capri. Donning his cheap sunglasses and his iconic trucker hat, he looks at his set of plays, flips a few pages, flips them back, nods, blows his whistle again. And he does this for the first half hour until it's time to adjourn for one-on-one drills and pass skeletons in full synchronization. And that's just the first hour of the first day.

Welcome to the beginnings of what is projected, by pundits and experts and unwashed heathens to the game of gridiron football, to be a strange year for Mitakihara University Athletics and Mitakihara University Football. This is the 61st season of Coach Tatsuya Kaname's career. Yes, you are not seeing things. This is his 61st season. He's 75, and still looks as fit as he was when he was age 14 back in 2011.

2011 seems like ages ago. The game has gotten faster, smarter, safer, and more effective in terms of play. For many years, the Puella Magi Option and Morning Rescue Defense showcase the true potential of those athletes wishing to come into the field as winners and end their college days as immortals. Yes, 2011 seems like ages ago. But Coach Kaname is not someone that looks back. He prefers to move forward and think ahead. This is a job that he now enjoys for fun, as he now a pensioner. Not often you can say that pensioners are active head football coaches. Coach Kaname just likes to work, that's all.

"Honestly, this is all leisure, what I'm doing," Coach Kaname said while being filmed for an upcoming reality TV series on Radio Madoka, the University-owned television and radio network. "This is fun stuff. I leave most of the heavy lifting to my staff. Sometimes I like to help assist with work but for the most part, I've been making the administrative part a team job. As always, I have the final say in any team-related matter, deferring opinion to Ms. Ritsu [Kawai], who is doing a bang-up job as the new A.D.

"I've pretty excited about this team. We have a number of redshirt seniors coming back, some other seniors playing their last season, and then you have a few more young boys who we are going to throw in the fire."

One of those players: freshman halfback Kodaka Onodera. Nicknamed "Kona" for short, Onodera rushed for 4,000 yards and 50 touchdowns at Mitakihara Secondary School and led the Angels to another provincial title. One of the interesting quirks about Kona is that he likes to drink beverages made with green coffee extract from Hawaii, adding to the coincidental mystique of his nickname.

"We're really high on Kodaka to make this his year carrying the ball," Coach Kaname said. "He's shifty like a lion and faster than a cheetah. And he has that eagle's eye for the endzone. He knows his destination relative to his location and he's got the locomotion with the rush of the ocean. Kodaka's a top notch player, and we think he'll be a freshman all-American this fall."

Another player that is set to fill in for a famous star is freshman strong safety Daniel Manatsu. The Athletic Department posted signs all over the city saying, "Hey! Da Man Is Coming! You Ain't Ready!" replete with his image and iconic evil smile reminiscent of the late Governor of California, the evil dictator from the Tea Party known as Neel Kashkari. In fact, Manatsu is a descendant of Kashkari, thus claiming Japanese, Iranian and West Indian blood, along with a masterstroke of chauvinism incomparable in postmodern times.

"Da Man's as nasty as his old man, and he's leaning towards a political science major after the program at this university sold the house on him," Coach Kaname said. "He votes for the conservative party and claims to have magical powers similar to Stephen Harper. I told him, 'Well, that makes you more of an ass, but we love that attitude; we just need to polish it just a tad.' Da Man knows how to make quarterbacks look like major junior rejects, he hits you hard like a 2' by 4' with steel-cut spikes, and when he celebrates, he squeals like a girl experiencing a climax for the first time. His wife, Chiya Ujimatsu, is a master's student here. He may be the weirdest, creepiest badass we have on this team, and we're going to put him to the test this season so that he becomes a man of men."

Finally, one more freshman that Coach Kaname kept an eye on is the heir apparent to Haku Ichijou, freshman free safety Jack Arashi, the aspiring Man of the Year. Madoka's recruiting brains trusted signed The Lad to the team for one reason: swagger.

"I love guys that consider the Dead Kennedys to be gods of rock because it is indicative of their hipster taste for metal," said Coach Kaname. "Joking aside, Jack's got swagger. He's a confident player that is always positive and has the most intoxicating sense of humour you will ever experience. Jack's wife, Sharo Kirima, is also a master's student here at Madoka. So we have two freshmen with graduate students for wives. It's unconventional, but that's the way things work around a place with as many happy couples as Mitakihara University."

Yes indeed. 2071 will truly be a strange season in Mitakihara Magi Football history. The question anyone really ready for the madness to unravel? Anyone?

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