Friday, June 13, 2014

Breaking News: Tatsuya Kaname to retire after 61 seasons as Mitakihara Magi Head Football Coach

"...And now I can finally light up a cigarette for once." -Tatsuya Kaname

Breaking News: Tatsuya Kaname to retire after 61 seasons as Mitakihara Magi Head Football Coach

By Stephanie Dora
The Daily Magi
February 1, 2072

Many people in Mitakihara Town, B.C. thought that the 2072 college football season would be the final season for Mitakihara Magi head football coach Tatsuya Kaname. Those people were wrong. Today, Coach Kaname, at the age of 75, retired from coaching the game of football at an emotional press conference at Hakurei Centre. Students came in droves to the press conferences, holding up signs saying, "Thank You Coach Kaname!", "We Will Miss You!" and "Our Eternal Coach!"

The winningest college football coach that ever lived tried to hold back tears as he contemplated on a long career dating back to 2011. He was only 14 when he took the position of head football coach. Now he is a proud great-grandfather, grandfather and father. His son, Akiyuki, a longtime head coach of the University of Texas will take over the team effective immediately, but the current coaching staff will remain on board. One of his daughters, Honoka, is the current chancellor of the university.

"I realized," said Coach Kaname to the press, "that the time has finally come for me to say goodbye to coaching the game I loved for so long. It's really tough for me to leave this university on a winning note and realize that my victory over Navy is the final game I ever coached. However, [Dr.] Madoka [Kaname] and [Dr.] Homura [Akemi] told me that I have done enough coaching the game, and my daughter Honoka, the chancellor of this school, told me I would retire with full benefits.

"So now I get to leave this place as a pensioner with the others at home. And now I can finally light up a cigarette for once. It's funny how everything has changed after six decades. We used to be a school just trying to survive, just trying to be relevant. Now look at us now. We've grown up a lot. Now we are one of the greatest young universities in Canada with one of the best collegiate athletics and intramurals programs in the world.

"I consider it a privilege to have been a part of the Magi football program as your head coach. But now, I leave this place with my head high and with no regrets. My son Akiyuki has been groomed for many years to take my place as the Magi football team's head coach, and now he finally gets his chance to show it. He will do a fantastic job continuing the tradition that was started six decades ago.

"I will keep in touch with the players now and then but starting today, I will support this team from the stands, and perhaps from my own house if I can't make it to the games. I don't know how much I have left to live on this earth, but I will live every day like it's that day when I take the elevator to heaven with all those I love. This university, this place born out of a heartfelt wish by my sister, is a place worth dying for, and I wish to be buried here with those who are near to my heart.

"Thank you, Mitakihara University, for being a part of my life that can never be taken away from me, even in death. Farewell to you all, and as are not alone."

Coach Kaname retires from the game of football with a record of 812-7. He has one of the most formidable winning percentages in all of college football, if not the most ever: .991, far superior to Notre Dame legend Knute Rockne's .881. The Magi open up the 2072 season in late August under Coach Akiyuki on the road against Notre Dame in a battle of No. 1 vs. No. 2. 

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